Remember For Me
by sophis-reinis
Summary: NM- missing piece after Jacob "broke up" with Bella. Jacob's POV rated T for language... Please review!
1. Chapter 1

_We all know what happened with Bella after Jacob told her he "couldn't be her friend anymore". What happened with Jacob?_

_All of my Twilight-fan friends aren't too fond of Jacob. I disagree. I'm telling his side of the story (for this part of New Moon, at least). Starts after he leaves Bella standing outside in the rain (After telling her that he didn't want to "be her friend anymore")_

**Remember For Me**

"DAMMIT!" I banged my fist against the wall. The picture with my dad, mom, sisters, and myself, obviously, all standing together like a "normal family", fell off the wall with a crash. God, I hated that picture. It was like a sick joke-so embarrassing, and so not real. Billy wouldn't let me take it down.

"Take it easy Jake." Paul- the epitome of tempers- was telling _me _to take it easy? And just like that, my temper flared even hotter.

"You want _me _to take it easy?" I was close to explosion. It was a wonder I hadn't phased yet.

Then I ran. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to _run._ To get away. I faintly heard Sam calling, "Don't forget the injunction, Jacob! It's for her own good." I ignored him. I didn't want to think about why I couldn't be around Bella. I got so far as the back woods-which weren't really that far away- when I exploded into the monster form of myself that I hated so much. The monster that kept me away from Bella. I stopped.

Bella.

She was the reason I was so upset. I could try to think of anything, and I would still see the same thing over and over again. Her face. Her beautiful, gentle, fragile face. The pain in that face was what haunted me. I vaguely wondered if that was the face she wore when the bloodsucker had hurt her. I flinched. Was she in more or less pain now, than when _he_ had broken her heart? The answer to that hurt more than the thought of her face. Of course he had caused more pain to her. She loved him best.

Then Embry phased. _So sorry, bro._

_Leave me alone._

He was gone then. I started to run again, gradually going faster and faster until I was pushing myself. No matter how hard I tried, though, I couldn't leave myself behind. I couldn't let go.

I went back to the face. The face that would haunt me until I saw her smile again. Her words. _I ran into Quil today. He's terrified. He's frightened that he's next._

But Quil wasn't going to be next. This would stop. The vampires were almost gone. We didn't need any more people in the pack. They shouldn't still be changing. Quil still had a chance. He had to.

I didn't realize when I got Bella's house. I should've known, I guess, that's where my feet would take me. I sat down and leaned my head back against the siding.

Her face. The pain there. The pain I had caused. I wasn't the only one that had caused her pain, though. Him. That bloodsucking bastard had hurt her too. Something clicked.

She knew. She had known that they were leeches. That they weren't human. And she had still dated him. Grieved him, even. She had defended him-all of them. What had she said? _I don't understand who you mean. _She had lied right to my face.

_You lied too._ I couldn't think of a response to that. The voice in my head was right. But I had lied to protect her._ Maybe she lied to protect them. _I knew that was the case as soon as I thought it. _Of course _she would protect them. She _loved_ them. The monsters that had hurt her- were still hurting her. The enemies.

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, realizing right before I did that it was dark outside. I couldn't just leave it as I had today. I had to make it right. And dammit, I had promised. I had promised not to hurt her. _I'm always here. You can always count on me. _I wasn't there now, was I? She couldn't count on me now. I had hurt her, too.

Then I remembered her last words. _I'm sorry that I couldn't…before…I wish I could change how I feel about you. Maybe…maybe I would change. Maybe, if you gave me some time…just don't quit on me now. I can't take it. _How I knew she couldn't take it. But I had gone and quit on her anyway. The hardest part was that she would've changed, too. For me. She didn't want to lose me, because she needed me. She would've wanted to make me happy, which was SO not what I wanted. I didn't want her to pretend, I wanted it to be real. It might've been, though. She might've gotten over her stupid vampire and fallen for me instead. It was a long shot, I'll admit, but not impossible. Nothing was impossible.

_You really blew it now, didn't you?_

No. This would not be the end. I had to make things right. I thought back to Quil. He wasn't going to change. He couldn't. I couldn't tell him, either. I couldn't tell him that I was okay, not to worry. The funny thing was, he already knew. He was a Quileute. He knew all the stories, all the legends that I had recently believed to be a load of crap. He didn't believe them either.

My mind stopped. I completely froze. Quil knew the stories. So did Bella. I thought back to the first day, at the beach. She had come with a group of friends, and specifically wanted to walk with _me._ I remembered being so excited. We had immediately clicked. I smiled, remembering. Then I remembered what she had wanted to talk to me about. She must not have known then. Oh god, I told her everything. I told her all the secrets.

I couldn't tell her, but I didn't have to. Sam hadn't told me not to help her remember what she already knew. He just said I couldn't tell her. He didn't say I couldn't see her, talk to her. Bella had to remember. We might actually have a chance that way.

With that, I climbed up the tree closest to her bedroom window. She _would _understand.


	2. Chapter 2

To say that I was in a predicament would be an understatement. As it was, this was a VERY bad situation. Here I was, supposed to convince Bella that I really didn't WANT to hurt her, and that I only did in the first place because I morphed into a giant dog when I was upset, and I couldn't even make it to her bedroom.

At the time, climbing the tree outside her window seemed like a good idea. Now…not so much. But I was thinking like weak man; I was not a weak man. I tightened my grip on the branch that had throttled between my massive hands, and swung my legs up to nudge a smaller branch against her window pane.

It made a loud screech. That might have been my oversensitive ears, though. She might not have heard anything at all. I tried again. "Bella" it came out as a hiss. At that moment my leg dropped and hit the trunk of the tree with astounding force. "Ouch! Damn it, open the window!" My leg swung up again, and this time my shoeless foot hit the windowsill. I would have to re-position that toe before it healed the wrong way. "OUCH!"

The window opened, then, and Bella looked down at me. She gasped. "What are you _doing_?"

"I'm trying to keep"- I was interrupted as I swung too hard and the branch bounced-"my promise!"

That was the whole point wasn't it? That I didn't hurt anymore than her filthy bloodsucker had?

"When did you ever promise to kill yourself falling out of Charlie's tree?" Really? I was more afraid of killing the TREE. I snorted for her benefit, and stared to swing my legs harder.

"Get out of the way." If I jumped and hit her, I would have to start all over again, and she would most likely being taking another trip to the ER.

"What?" Boy she _was_ tired. I increased the momentum of my swinging legs, and _then_ she realized what I was up to.

"No, Jake!" It was too late now…

I grunted and jumped up to the open window. I expertly maneuvered my legs to slide in first, followed quickly by my upper torso. I landed on the balls of my feet, and looked at her bedroom door, hoping not to wake Charlie with the thud of my entrance. Ha! I had actually done it! I could feel myself grinning.

"Get out!" She hissed. She sounded really pissed, which I should have expected, I guess. Still, I didn't know what to do with that. I had just gone through all that trouble, and she just wanted me gone.

"No, I came to apologize."

"I don't _accept_!" She attempted to push me back out the window, but I wouldn't budge. She finally gave up and just stood there. I didn't know _what_ the hell to make of THAT. Had she _seriously_ just tried to push me out a freaking _window_?

Bella swayed precariously, and it looked like she might fall over. Her eyelids drooped.

"Bella?" It came out as a whisper. I caught her elbow when she overbalanced and brought her to her bed. Her knees gave out as she reached the bed, and she fell over onto it.

"Hey are you okay?" This wasn't normal, was it? She looked up then, and I could see that her cheeks were wet.

"Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?" Oh, crap! This was my fault, the whole crying-and-falling-over thing.

"Right…" I took a deep breath to brace myself for what came next. I had to make her understand that I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to be away from her. _Are you breaking up with me? _God, I had been so mean. I had to fix this. "Crap. Well…I-I'm so sorry, Bella." Not that it would make a difference. I was still a monster. I still wouldn't be able to be with her.

"Why did you come here? I don't want apologies from you, Jake." Of course she didn't want me to apologize; she wanted me to leave.

"I know", I whispered, "but I couldn't leave things the way I did this afternoon. That was horrible. I'm sorry." Would she ever understand how sorry I was? I had been such an ass. But I had no choice!

She shook her head, like she knew what I was thinking. "I don't understand anything" Of course she didn't understand; that was the point of me coming.

"I know. I want to explain"- but I couldn't because of the stupid injunction. I would be nowhere without Sam, but sometimes, he _really_ pisses me off. I shook my head, and sucked in a big breath. So I couldn't tell her. "But I can't explain." Damn Sam and his stupid rules. "I wish I could."

Her head dropped into her hands and I was seized with guilt. Guilt that didn't rightly belong to me.

"Why?" she asked into her arm.

I tried. I really did. I had to find some way to tell her. She couldn't _not_ know. My face scrunched up in my attempts to get through to her. She noticed.

"What's wrong?"

I sighed heavily. Like I could tell her what was wrong. EVERYTHING was wrong. "I can't do it." I muttered.

"Do what?"

Of course… she knew all about secrets. "Look, Bella, haven't you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone?" I already knew the answer, but I wasn't sure if she would tell me the truth. Her eyes tightened. I could tell she was trying to hide it. I continued. "Something you felt like you had to keep from Charlie, from your mom…? Something you won't even talk about with me? Not even now?"

She didn't answer, and I knew I was right. She was thinking of _them_. "Can you understand that I might have the same kind of"- I paused, looking for the right word-"situation? Sometimes, loyalty gets in the way of what you want to do. Sometimes, it's not your secret to tell." I knew that would do it. She knew I knew what she was thinking of.

"I don't know why you came here, Jacob, if you were just going to give me riddles instead of answers."

I knew she was right. "I'm sorry." It came out as a whisper. "This is so frustrating." I looked at her, not really seeing her. And she looked back, hopeless. I thought of the reason for coming. "The part that kills me is that you already _know_. I already _told_ you everything!"

"What are you talking about?"

I gasped. Okay, so there was a solution. I just had to put it all on her, which I knew she _would not_ like. At all. But I had to try. I would help as much as Sam would allow. "I think I see a way to make this work out-because you know this, Bella! I can't tell you, but if you _guessed_ it! That would let me right off the hook!"

I must have sounded like a crazy person, because she said, "You want me to guess? Guess _what_?"

I was so excited. I knew she would cooperate now. "_My_ secret! You can do it-you know the answer!"

She just blinked at me. She obviously had no idea what the hell I was talking about. I thought again. "Hold on, let me see if I can give you some help." I started to concentrate, and all the effort I put into it had me panting.

"Help?" She asked. She looked like she was fighting to keep her eyes open.

"Yeah, like clues."

I then knelt down and cupped her face in my hands, staring into her eyes, willing her remember. "Remember the first day we met-on the beach in La Push?"

"Of course I do" This could work.

"Tell me about it."

She took a deep breath and started, "You asked about my truck…" I nodded. We were getting somewhere. "We talked about the Rabbit…."

"Keep going" I urged.

"We went for a walk down the beach…" I nodded, anxious. She was so close. "You told me scary stories…Quileute legends." Oh, how true I kno realized those legends were. She should remember now.

"Yes." I managed to say, to keep her going. "Do you remember what I said?"

Of course she remembered what I had said. I had told her that her boyfriend was a vampire. "Think hard." It was an order.

"Yes, I remember." It came out as a sigh.

I took a deep breath. "Do you remember all the stor" my voice broke. I couldn't continue. I was being careless with the injunction. Luckily, Bella knew what I was talking about.

"All the stories?"

I nodded without saying anything. I knew she would only remember one story, but maybe, if she _really_ thought about it, maybe she could remember the rest.

She shook her head, and I groaned. She was giving up. She couldn't give up. I jumped up, off the bed, and started pacing, pounding my head with my hand as I went.

"Jake? Jake, please, I'm _exhausted_. I'm no good at this right now. Maybe in the morning…" her voice trailed off. I knew she was right. Why should I expect her to remember a conversation that took place months ago, when she could barely even keep her eyes open? I sighed heavily and nodded.

"Maybe it will come back to you. I guess I understand why you only remember the one story." I could hear the bitterness in my voice when I said that. I sat down beside her again. "Do you mind if I ask you a question about that?" I was being sarcastic, but I honestly wanted to know. "I've been dying to know."

"A question about what?" I held back a snort. Like she didn't know.

"About the vampire story I told you." She stared at me, so I continued. "Did you honestly not know? Was I the one who told you what he was?" I didn't really expect her to answer, and once again, she met my expectations. Her lips were sealed. "See what I mean about loyalty?" I was speaking quietly now, almost to myself. "It's the same for me, only worse. You can't imagine how tight I'm bound." Even now, I could feel the leash of Sam's order tugging at my tongue. I realized my eyes were closed.

Her voice came as a whisper to me, and was inexplicably tender. "Isn't there any way for you to get free?" She touched my hair, and I almost lost it. My fingers trembled.

"No. I'm in for life. A life sentence." I laughed, not really finding anything particularly funny. My wolf form was part of me. It was in my genes, my soul. "Longer, maybe."

Bella moaned. After all that I had done to her, she still cared about me. "No, Jake. What if we ran away? Just you and me. What if we left home, and left Sam behind?" She had no idea how tempted I was.

"It's not something can run away from, Bella. I would run away with you, though, if I could." This was getting out of hand. I was becoming unstable. I could feel my shoulders shaking. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Look, I've got to leave."

"Why?"

"For one thing, you look like you're going to pass out any second. I need your sleep-I need you firing on all pistons. You're going to figure this out, you have to." It was the only way I could get her back, and I wasn't going to lose Bella.

"And why else?"

I frowned. "I had to sneak out-I'm not supposed to see you. They've got to be wondering where I am." Well, they would know soon enough. I tried not to flinch as I pictured Sam's face when he found out. "I suppose I should go let them know."

This seemed to anger her. "You don't have to tell them anything." She hissed at me.

"All the same, I will." I had no choice, anyway.

"I hate them!" She burst out angrily. My eyes flipped open wide.

"No, Bella. Don't hate the guys. It's not Sam's or any of the other's faults. I told you before-it's me. Sam is actually…" I thought about how things would've turned out if he hadn't been there. "-well, incredibly cool. Jared and Paul are great, too, though Paul is kind of…" I trailed off and picked up again, "And Embry's always been my friend. Nothing's changed _there_-the only thing that hasn't changed." My whole life is upside down, and always would be. "I feel really bad about the things I used to think about Sam..."

She glared at me. She didn't seem to like the fact that I liked my brothers. "Then why aren't you supposed to see me?"

I looked down. This was incredibly embarrassing, especially because she didn't have a clue what I was talking about, and because I knew that I would never hurt her, anyway. "It's not safe." I mumbled. She stiffened. Why? Was she finally catching on? Oh great...she probably thought I didn't care, now. Yet another thing I had to clear up. My voice couldn't rise above a whisper. "If I thought it was too…too risky, I wouldn't have come. But, Bella, I made you a promise. I had no idea it would be this hard to keep, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try." I would _never_ give up on her.

I could tell she didn't understand. Shocker! "After that stupid movie, I promised you that I wouldn't ever hurt you…so I really blew it this afternoon, didn't I?"

"I know you didn't mean to do it, Jake. It's okay." That was such a huge relief.

"Thanks, Bella. I'm going to do what I can to be here for you, just like I promised." I grinned. "It would really help if you could figure this out on your own, Bella. Put some honest effort into it."

She grimaced. "I'll try."

"And I'll try to see you soon," I promised, then sighed, "And they'll try to talk me out of it." Which would work if Sam puts out any more orders.

"Don't listen to them." She really didn't know anything.

I sighed. "I'll try." I shook my head. "Come and see me as soon as you figure it out." But what if she didn't want to see me when she knew? What if she was afraid? That would really _suck_. And it wouldn't be fair. What about her leaches? She didn't care that _they_ were monsters. "If you…if you _want_T to."

"Why wouldn't I want to see you?" I don't know, Bella, why wouldn't you want to see me? My thoughts were sarcastic, and I knew it wasn't fair. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. "Oh, I can think of a reason. Look, I really have to go. Could you do something for me?" I at least deserved this. A goodbye.

She nodded. She looked scared. Go figure.

"At least call me-if you don't want to see me again. Let me know if it's like that."

"That won't happen." I cut her off by raising my hand.

"Just let me know." I stood up and headed for the window. It was time to face the pack. I groaned inwardly. Sam would be awful.

"Don't be an idiot, Jake." Her voice came from behind me. I was surprised she was still awake. "You'll break your leg. Use the door. Charlie's not going to catch you."

"I won't get hurt." I muttered, but turned for the door, anyway. I started to pass her, but stopped. What if I never saw her again? I wasn't sure I could bear that. I held a hand out, waiting. She took it, and I yanked her-hard-off the bed and into my arms. "Just in case." I spoke into her hair, breathing in her scent.

"Can't-breathe!" she gasped.

I let go, but kept one hand at her waist, not wanting her to fall over. I gently pushed her back onto the bed and whispered, "Get some sleep, Bells. You've got to get your head working. I know you can do this. I _need_ you to understand. I won't lose you, Bella. Not for this." I wasn't letting her go over something as stupid as this. She already knew, and if she could hang around bloodsuckers, she shouldn't mind hanging around me. I was still human.

I crossed the room in one stride, opened the door, and walked through. The light of her lamp disappeared. I took a deep breath, and went to find the gang. I would never hear the end of this.


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, so that hadn't worked. Well, it had kind of worked, but I didn't really know to make it _work_. I sighed as I ran down the stairs and out the door. This was going to be a long night. I was already rolling up my jeans when I hit the forest, and quickly phased, part of me hoping that no one would be there. Of course someone was. At least it was just Embry.

_Hey Jake. Sam's looking for you._

_Oh, wonderful. _I couldn't help it. The image of her tear streaked face intruded into my thoughts.

Embry groaned. _What the HELL did you do?!!! Sam said _not_ to see her._ I winced inwardly. He still heard it, or felt it, whichever you prefer. He sighed. _Look, jake, I know this is hard for you, but really, didn't you see what happened to Emily when Sam got too upset? How torn up he was inside? He just doesn't want you to make the same mistakes. _

I knew that I would never hurt Bella physically, but the image of Emily, broken, was pushed into my head, courtesy of Embry. Sam trying to find the strength to phase back, to help her. It was a painful picture. Embry graciously turned his thoughts in a new direction, feeling my stress.

_You better get home before Sam figures out what you did. _But it was too late, as Sam, with perfect timing as usual, joined in our mental conversation. I could see he was just outside of Emily's house, and trying really hard not to focus on what they had been doing inside.

_And what, exactly, did you do Jacob? _Crap! I slipped. Fortunately, I only let slip the image of a haggard Bella battling, and losing, to stay upright. Sam growled. _Jacob! You could have _killed_ her! You could have lost control! _

I decided to keep my mind on only the images, and not the words that had been said. _I know. But, Sam, you didn't see her face! I hurt her, right after I promised I never would!_

_I understand that, Jacob, but how would you feel if you hurt her so bad that, you –_he winced, and we saw Emily's face, mangled and scarred –_couldn't even recognize her? Would you be more, or less upset?_

That was so Sam. Always the optimist; my thought were sarcastic. Unfortunately, he heard that. Of course. _Get some sleep Jake. You've been running around out here for more than 48 hours –_

_57! _Cut in Embry.

_57 hours, Jacob. Go sleep. We'll watch out for her. We care just as much as you do. _I really doubted that, and Sam, being the good person that he was, didn't comment.

I then realized that I had been running towards my house without even acknowledging it. Embry had been searching for a trail, and Sam had been heading up to Bella's place, but I hadn't been paying any attention at all to where I was going. I phased and returned to my private thoughts, which was a good thing, because I wouldn't have been able to keep them out much longer.

I quickly threw on my jeans and opened the front door. Me in-the-nude was the one thing that Billy _would not_ tolerate. The old man wheeled himself out into the cramped living room. I raised my hand –just as I had done to Bella –before he could speak. "I know. I'm going."

He just grinned as I knew he would, and I ran up to my room, taking the stairs four at a time. My head hit the pillow, and the next thing I knew, I was in darkness.


End file.
